The truth is, we are all human capable of experiencing the contrasting motion of life. Laughter and tears, happiness and pain, pleasure and joy. We seem like a boat riding the magnetic waves of life. It is normal, as most people say.
We always fight for something. For our family. For our dreams. For our life. Life is battlefield, enemies are middleman between internal conflict and external defectiveness. We crave the internal to reach fixation. We crave the external to achieve perfection.
Until failures punched our face. We become oblivious as we forget we are just human.
A human who is flawed, vulnerable, and unguarded. A human who is not perfect, capable of making mistakes and messing expectations. A human who is afraid, uncertain about the dark thoughts of his brain. A human who is lost between life and death.
I have accomplished a great job in committing bloody mistakes. I asked myself, how did I love a woman and still provide an enormous pain to her? Lies, deceptions, stories, you name it. Words cannot express how regretful I was.
I blamed myself.
I was guilty.
I was terrible.
Just when you know you are getting better, is the same moment life makes you realize you are not.
When will this self-judgement reach its end? When will this regrets be done?
We all struggle with something. Acknowledge it or not, there is subtle disturbance afflicting our hearts. Unless we are dead, we are never immune from this force of unknowingness. Fearing the cloudiness of future. Regretting the mistakes of past. Misapprehension of present.
You might be dealing with hardship at this moment. You may see it as bigger than your willingness to live. I do not know. Nonetheless, you have to take care yourself. We have to forgive ourselves from the flaws we had in the past. We need to be patient in the process of healing.
Easier said than done, but we have to keep moving forward. Let us not over-judge our self and believe that our reality is not going to be this way forever.
Let us forgive ourselves not because we do not acknowledge that we committed a mistake, but because we deserve to start again, to learn, to live, and be better.
It may seem like a long process, who knows? One thing I am certain about: Rainbow will come to those who learn to forgive themselves.