I Was Lost, Now I’m Found

Life is essentially a cheat and its conditions are those of defeat; the redeeming things are not happiness and pleasure but the deeper satisfactions that come out of struggle. — F. Scott Fitzgerald

The truth is, life ain’t a straight path where the answers from questions are always given, where the lessons from mistakes are foreseeable, and when the outcome from our endeavour is laid out.

If that happens, there is no reason for living. For thriving. For surviving.

Life is a rough road, unveiling itself through experiences that in the first interpretation may seem absurd, useless, and unworthy but once fully conquered, will provide us wisdom.

Life is truly surprising.

You never know what to happen.

Sometimes, you are killing it. But sometimes, you’re on the deepest ground.

Few weeks ago, I hit the latter. This splendid brain of which I have was filled with obnoxious negative thoughts. Again, I underwent a slavery against these worldly thoughts that kept drowning me, that kept throwing me out of life. I did not have the power, the stamina to fight back.

I was not writing and following my habits. I became disorganised.

I had a master, the noisy mind. And I praised him. In the pursuit of filling the void, I became a worshipper of previous addictions in which nicotine, proofs, hits, and worthless sex became my friend. I was losing myself. I was terrible.

Do you know what’s worse? The longer I stay in it, the more emptiness I feel.

At some point in your life, you were confident that you are better. But these moments makes me swallow the tough truth that I am still not.

For weeks I am losing the people who truly matters to me, the opportunities, the chance to make myself better. I am losing my life.

I became stuck between the feeling of bringing change to my life because I deserve it, and desiring to stay with this awful life situation because here, I feel the emptiness that I linger.

Living the days just for the sake of existing is pointless.

I reached the peak of shame against myself. Did you experience the moment when you are so fed up about what is happening in your life? That you badly, bloody wanted to change your life situation because you cannot take it anymore?

I had enough.

I looked back and remembered the previously-burning dreams that is becoming more and more distant to me. I heard the subtle voice deep within my core about responsibility. A responsibility that I still have my family. A responsibility to fulfil the dream of providing them a lifestyle they truly deserve (as a breadwinner, you probably know what I mean).

I took that as fuel.

I used it.

And I hold on to it.

From that moment, I had a certain belief that when you are praying and wishing for something, the universe will really open itself upon you.

The book titled Recovery from Russel Brand served as a tool to this journey.

I surrendered everything to the Supreme Being, to God. All the pain and trauma I had before, the shame, guilt, self-pity, pride, and ego, I surrendered and lifted them up with God. I cried. And felt relieved.

What I started to believe is that, I cannot fight my demons alone. I cannot win the war in my mind with the conviction that I can do it on my own. I needed to believe to the Higher Power. I needed God, who is infinitely stronger and more powerful than me, to bring me hope, faith, and wisdom.

I learned to apply meditation more on my daily living. The treasure with meditation allows us to not attach, label, and identify our pure self from the noisy thoughts on our mind. We are not our thoughts. Rather, we are the presence and awareness who is the observer of our thoughts.

Through surrender and meditation, I made things better for myself and for the people around me. Learning humility to admit faults to myself, to God, and to other people is a habit that I am still working on. The truth is, we are always working on something. There will always be a thing we have to figure out, that we have to learn, and that we have to apply.

Had I not experienced this struggle, I won’t be able to acknowledge the root of the problem, which is identifying my identity to the thoughts arising in my mind. I appreciate life, God, for giving me strength for overcoming this challenge. I know there are more obstacles to come, but now is different because I am more grounded and definitely stronger than previous self.

Nonetheless, when you are healing from something or in the stage of recovery, it is much crucial to care yourself (please, for God’s sake) and not set high standards at first. Getting enough sleep, laughing with other people, eating on the right time, and meditation were my priorities for the previous week. And they truly helped.

The truth is, life ain’t a straight path. At some point of time, you have to cross the bumpy road, encounter the experiences that will truly test your courage and hope, experiences that will truly drown and hit you. But here’s the catch, they will make you love life more. It will strengthen you, shape you, and build you.

I guarantee, all your struggles and challenges are the gifts you will be thankful for in the future.


  1. Oh my! What to say! I wondered what had happened to you, so I came looking, windering if you were ok. What I have read here has moved me intensely. Yes, as you know, I too have hit a very rough and bumpy road, and it really is true that you can ony get through by surrendering to God. We truly cannot do it on our own. I recognise so much of what you say here, but I am SO glad that you have found your way through. We get tested again and again and again, but each test makes us stronger. May you be blessed for the rest of yoyr joyrney. So glad you are ok

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Good for you for finding the path to your goals and dreams again! I related to putting myself in the hands of God when things get difficult. I also related the the part of “always working on something” to work on, to improve, to learn. Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for reading the piece! It’s a different feeling when we surrender everything to God. We feel better. We feel human. It’s been a long time since I used wordpress and here I am again

      Liked by 2 people

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