I have something to share with you. A part of myself that I was, for a long time, hiding. I kept this because I never desired anyone to know about it. I hid it because I felt safe in holding it.
For most of you know, I lived with depression few years ago. I remember those eyes drowning with tears because of wanting to give up. Of wanting to surrender. I was terrified. I was ashamed. I was hopeless. I became a slave of addictions and self-destructive behaviours because I wanted to fill the void.
A void that will never be satisfied.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll have the ability to escape this hell. Just one more day, I whispered.
Those times I wish I had the answer so I could get back up, gain redemption, and feel the feeling of being “alive” again. But I had not. It was all unknown.
It was a series of small actions and small wins that led me to a better situation.
However, life itself is truly surprising. Few months ago, I realised that the pain from depression I had few years ago was not fully vanished, but was only kept.
I noticed that I am loving the feeling of sadness because I believed that this is the only way I can relate to the people who are dealing with it. I thought I needed to feel “low” so I can feel what sad, broke, and lonely people feel.
I felt guilty for choosing my own happiness because it made me feel that I am leaving people behind my back. I felt ashamed for paying myself first because it provided me an idea that I am being apathetic for people who are like me few years ago. Sad, depressed, and emotionally vacant.
I had a false belief that in order for me to help other people, I should experience what they experience. I wanted to help people in a form of words, of writing. So I choose to feel negative when I was doing it.
I chose to be sad so I can write so I can help others.
I sacrificed my “self” against such bloody conviction. Against an illusion that I am helping others by digging my own grave.
I had enough, I believed.
With tremendous motivation to get out of the hell, I shared my situation to one of my classmates during college.
I shared everything. I offered openness and vulnerability.
That moment I started to believe the power of sharing. I felt relieved. And I felt encouraged.
Her words invigorated me, fired me in a great manner. Her words made me realise that I was doing it wrong, that I have to choose myself, that I can relate and help other people through other beneficial ways.
I felt human because of a tearful realisation brought by a conversation without judgement, pride, and ego.
Nowadays, I am making a shift on the root of my thoughts and emotions. I am becoming more aware on the moments I am beginning to slip in my old “self”. With the help of meditation and prayer, I am starting to be an observer of my own feelings.
What I started to realise is that there are many ways we can be a help to other people. And part of that is not by depriving ourselves of the happiness and fulfilment we truly deserved. Listening to the other person, being present when they need us, and having a sincere conversation with other person are just some of the ways we can help them.
From “I need to feel what you feel so I can help you” to “I have to help myself first so I can help you more.“
It took a doom before such truth became ingrained to my belief. But no regrets on my part for that wonderful experience as I learned lesson. I learned the power of sharing, the power of being open, of being able to eliminate pride and give vulnerability.
You don’t have to keep everything with yourself.
You don’t have to swallow all your feelings, thoughts, and emotions.
You don’t need to be alone.
I have a certain belief that there are people rooting for you, loving you, and asking for your love and presence. You just have to open your heart. Had I not able to share my story with a another human, I would still be suffering from previous misery.
Sharing your story is a great way not only to communicate with other people, but also to feel the feeling of being human. Yeah, I know easier said than done. But unless you take action with being open, you will have to encounter the same problem after all.
If you are having a tough time in handling challenges and hurdles in your life, you have to trust yourself. And to trust yourself means you’re giving yourself permission to share with other human being your thoughts, feelings, and emotions not because you are weak, but because you acknowledge that you cannot handle everything on your own.
Sometimes, we must put down our guard for love and peace to enter.
And by the way, I would like to thank Cherry Flores for opening her ears on my story. Thank you, thank you!