Do you remember when you were a kid? When you were not struggling to live your life. When you were not paying your bills. When you were not worried about the meaning of life, about your purpose, about your existence.
Life used to be easy. It used to be fun and simple. When we were kids, we looked up to those people who are older than us. We looked at them as people who are matured, who knows life, who understand everything. We envied them because they have freedom to do whatever they want.
But now, isn’t it ironic? We are already adults, yet wishing to go back on being a kid when life used to be simple, when our laughter and smiles were genuine, without doubts and uncertainty.
As we grow old, our responsibility to find meaning becomes uncontrollable. We are searching for the purpose of everything, even our own existence.
We learned to search our meaning to other people, to material things, to our past experiences, and to our selfish ambitions.
“Once I have that, I will be happy.”
“Once she’s mine, I will be alright.”
“Once I achieve that, I will be satisfied.”
As we grow old, we learned to become possessive, dependent, and ambitious.
Possessive to chase love from other people, dependent on the material things we desire, and ambitious to the dreams we’re trying hard to achieve.
Meaning, purpose, fulfilment.
These became the source of energy to live our lives.
And at the same time, the source of our pain.
As a result, we are digging our own grave by searching for the meaning which truly cannot be found, for the void that cannot be filled.
The longer we do our best to find meaning, the harder it is to find happiness.
The harder we chase meaning, the more it becomes distant to us.
The more we search for our purpose, the more pain we experience.
We torture ourselves because we always search meaning on everything we experience and the expectations we attached to them.
Our constant search for fulfilment and meaning brings incessant expectations and the need for perfection. Expectations and perfectionism bring resistance to our deepest individuality, which is the real problem here. These are what we lack when we were kids, when life used to be fun and simple.
You see, as we grow old, we become so much affected by the need to succeed, to be accepted, to be part of society, to be more than others.
What if we let go of our need to find it?
What if we just let our life happens through us?
What if we just let life fuck us?
“Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack.”
― Brandon Sanderson
The truth is, unless we allow life happens through us, discomfort will continue to hunt us. Unless we learned to become open, to let go of the need to be fulfilled, to remove the necessity to find our meaning, the more we will experience pain in our lives.
This does not mean to not pursue what we truly want, nor work for our dreams. It only means to let go of the noise in our head, which all are illusion, and start living through our body like a kid again.
To say “fuck it” to everything.
To let ourselves fall, fail, and hit the ground.
To let ourselves fail the expectations of other people. To let ourselves lose the job we hate, the toxic relationship we are into, and the addictions we have.
To let ourselves experience what needs to be experienced without resistance, without trying to make everything perfect, without expecting in return.
It is okay to be a kid again.
No ego, no pride, no judgement.
When we have no expectations, there is no resistance, meaning the more genuine our actions are, the more we express ourselves, the more we enjoy our experiences.
I am not saying this because I am better than anybody else, but because I myself have experienced the misery of living with incessant expectations and strong desire to make everything perfect.
I have realised that everything becomes easier and enjoyable for me after I let go all these “shoulds” and “musts” in my noisy mind.
The moment I said “fuck it to everything”, life becomes more vibrant.
“The day I understood everything, was the day I stopped trying to figure everything out. The day I knew peace was the day I let everything go.”
– C. JoyBell C.